Elisa writes:
FYI:

The COO of Mehow.tv is Certainty, also known as Squirrel, also known as Rob L. of San Diego. He was an approach coach at the June 9th MM Atlanta Bootcamp and got horrible reviews.

Mehow is Michal P. He has his own computer security company called: MKP Security. He’s a former hacker and can take down the MM site in a second, in addition to monitor it secretly for competitive information. I’d be surprised if he’s not doing that already. You can be sure he’s tracking the IP addresses of everyone on the mehow.tv forum.

If Mystery method is really suing Mehow then these posts by your disgruntled students definitely demonstrate Mehow, Lovedrop and the like were not acting in good faith. They used this bootcamp to propell their exit from The Mystery Method.

Squirrel posted regularly on the MM Lounge. MM should put post these on the public forum. I imagine they are not flattering. The way I see it, “Mehow Method” = $900 bottle service. Mehow, Certainty and their students need to write “laid out” reports, not LRs. Bottle service is truly B.S., and not a PUA skillset
—–
FROM ATLANTA BOOTCAMP REVIEWS MM POSTS:

Squirrel kept dissapearing all weekend and me and my two buddies didn’t get any feedback or talking time with him except during seminar.

Squirrel went and did a demo set without telling us he was going in and I didnt notice him until he was in comfort. He stayed in the one set a long time so didn’t get much out of that.

During night 2 Squirrel picked up a chick in the line to the club and then buddied up with one of the students and they all went to the VIP area the student bought and noone else had access to. Sunday Squirrel was heard bragging about how he talked to her all night and timebridged her to fly out to San Diego and how she was just his type… While he was supposed to be teaching. So now the student teacher ratio was 11-2! Lovedrop started coaching towards the end of the night and it helped a little.

Lovedrop’s seminar was fantastic, Dynamic rocked (when you could get hold of him) Mehow was good at demo’ing and telling you what you did WELL and squirrel was err where WAS squirrel??

Also it really pissed me off when Mehow said he was doing Mehow Method and he wouldn’t teach it. I understand that different instructors have different styles, but I expect them to EXPLAIN IT! I see now that it was his last BC before he started his own company so that probably explains it why he didn’t want to teach.

Mehow said he didn’t work for MM and wasn’t able to discuss half the stuff he was doing and squirrel was ‘missing’ most of the time. It became a running joke with the 11 oither students playing ‘where’s squirrel’

Mehow was cool too, but like Levo said.. when you’d ask him about material he’d be like “I can’t teach that, it isn’t MM” etc (I see why he couldn’t teach non MM at a BC, but I expected the coaches to be using MM material for the BC)

Squirrel was hard to find and I saw him spend most of his time on one student, I forget his name (don’t think he posts) who was shared the most similarities. The said student and squirrel hung out almost exclusively, it felt like he was getting a 1v1 almost, lol. This understandably ticked me off a bit. I did like Squirrels extra seminar though.

I don’t think Squirrel or Mehow were official coaches they were just giving LD a hand (there was another BC running the same weekend), but Dynamic was and it showed (in a good way).

Certainty on mehow.tv: (What is real post from the Lounge?)
———————–
AJ was kind enough to grab my original post. Here it is, with minor editing:

LR: Lucky 7: 100% F-Close, 0% LMR

HB9blondLongIsland, HB8AsianNutBall; HB8BlondNewport; HB8BlondMMLV; HB7OBBrunette; HB8ManicMormon; HB8Vegan; HB9petiteLebonese.

Technically, that’s 8, but Lucky 8 doesn’t sound as good as Lucky 7. Normally I wouldn’t use “Lucky” to describe an F-Close, because there is no such thing as Luck when it comes to an HB. “Luck is for the AFC who stumbles on an HB so horny she is willing to overlook his personality to have sex. Much like a drunk AMOG overlooks a 30 lb weight problem and butter-face to get laid.” – Certainty.

Field tested D1 S1-S3 process yields 100% F-close results with no LMR.

After many years of being stopped by girls in S2 (I only learned about S2 recently) I have finally devised an LMR strategy that consistently works. But first, a little background.

Before the community, I had had only 1 one-night stand. I could never get the girl to have sex with me. I had great Comfort, very good Seduction including the ability to give a girlfriend multiple C-spot orgasms, but couldn’t get a girl to have sex with me on the first night. They would always wait until we were more serious about each other, which usually initiated an unintended LTR. I have had numerous situations where I was in bed, half naked, and the girl said “no”. I was trained by society to stop at that point. So, like a good AFC, I did. I also became frustrated and angry with the girl, hence my AFC label. If she didn’t want to have sex, then why would she go all this far to just stop and say “no”?

It turns out, I was supposed to pause, not stop. “No” means “I’m too hot and bothered to continue right now, I need to take a breather.” When I first read about LMR in the MM materials, I was astonished. This is supposed to happen? It is hard wired into her physiology and psychology? It isn’t me? Quite the eye opener.

After learning about LMR, I started to follow MM’s somewhat successful process for overcoming LMR . It’s a really basic cycle. She needs to stop, take a breather, and start again. She will let you know when she is ready to stop. It is up to you to be non-reactive, take a step back, and continue again in the future. She is specifically designed to be turned on by start, stop, start; lather, rinse, repeat. It is in this cycle that she gains her sexual arousal to meet mine. She needs to pursue to gain arousal, but must also have me take responsibility for her behavior. She hunts, is hunted, and hunts again to get turned on.

As a Man, I am turned on by the sight of an extremely sexy HB9 or HB10. I can become physically aroused by just the sight of a naked HB. An HB is wired completely differently. She’s having 10 thoughts for every one of mine. She also carries guilt and shame. I would hate to be an HB.

I took Mystery’s LMR process and added to it. I now have a 100% (across 8 HBs) process that effectively ensures I never have to go on a date until after we have had sex. I am starting to live the life of my gay male friends who have sex before they go on a date, and it is expected.

If I had known about LMR just a few years ago, my lay ratio would have been much higher. If you read to this point and are wondering what the process is, you’ll have to wait for my next posting. I wrote this for the SD Crew, but I’m not sure I should post it here. It is really out there.
_________________
Certainty.

President / COO Mehow, Inc.

Hmmmm. Interesting.

Forget chocolates or roses this Valentine’s Day — a gift of musical condoms is bound to be more entertaining.

Hong Kong’s Ondo Creation, which makes designer condoms, hopes its Idom sheathes will put a more romantic spin on safe sex — and reduce the risk of a slap on the face that a pack of six might elicit among some conservative Asians.

The Idom itself doesn’t sing — but the mint, strawberry, chocolate and banana flavored condoms come in an attractive package with a music CD to get you in the mood for love.

“We create an environment for lovers who would like to try a different experience,” said Victor Tsang who runs Ondo Creation.

“We try to create products that are not embarrassing, but very trendy and hip. It’s a lifestyle product,” he added.

My only question is… how do you fit the CD in your wallet?  =)

Mehow writes:
Sinn,

I read your post and was entertained. Your writing style is eloquent. I love the game and enjoy keeping things positive. Good luck with everything.

I accept your in-field challenge – to have both of us filmed in venue for three nights together.

-mehow

But no sooner did that get posted, than I got this email from an “annonymous” sender with ties to Mystery Method.

I don’t want to get into a lot of gossip but to say that mehow was in any way a star MM instructor is silly.  He was never permitted to teach his own bootcamps.  When he was with MM, he was always the most junior instructor.  The only person who brought him on his bootcamps, I believe, was Lovedrop (except once when one of Matador’s junior guys was sick) and Lovedrop was his friend before the community.  Mehow taught at maybe 4-6 bootcamps and was always the most junior person there.  His reviews were average for one of MM instructors (which is to say they were good, but they didn’t stand out).

I don’t actually think Mehow is a bad guy.  But the stuff about him posting about getting one lay in a year and then going commercial and editing the post is absolutely true.

So, more questions abound.  Will Sinn and Mehow actually go out and perform a “sarge off?”  That would be interesting to see, for sure.  =)

But now it seems that Mehow is taking some flack for “stealing” Mystery Method techniques and passing them off as his own (a phenomenon that has been going on since Mystery started teaching workshops!).

TOp MM instructor Sinn has fired the first salvo in the attack against Mehow.  I’ll be interested to see how Mehow responds.

Here’s what happened…
First, Mehow posts a response to my Top 10 list:

Mehow writes:
Happy New Year Everybody!

I appreciate the mention on the list.

Couple of comments — the reason everybody thinks I just do MM is that on a lot of my videos I’m doing a MM based attraction and comfort structure. I actually teach a radically different attraction system but I don’t post that publicly. On my videos I do my version of what is essentially ‘community game’ — e.g. Mystery’s stuff — but I do it with pretty much entirely original content. I do that so me and my students gain the benefit of my game staying secret.

Props to Mystery for getting me started — also I learned a ton from the other guys on this list – Swingcat, Hypnotica, Steve P, Style, David D, Juggler, and Badboy. I have learned a ton from each of you. You guys all rock. Pretty much the community changed my life and I’m deeply indebted to all the guys out there that I learned from in person or via their material.

If you are legitimate community press we welcome you to come hang out with us anytime at a bootcamp and I can show you what we are about. Ping certainty@mehow.tv for info on community press comps to our bootcamps.

Again Happy New Year!

-m

Okay, so we had a very Tyler Durden-esque response here, along with the claim that Mehow has a secret  attraction system he hasn’t shared publically yet.

That did not seem to fly with Sinn.

Sinn writes:
Please verify my address on this post so you guys know this is the real Sinn.

Now onto Mehow. How exactly does using an attraction-comfort-seduction model differ from The Mystery Method? I haven’t taught a boot camp in a week and a half, but that sequence sounds strikingly similar to what you and I were both taught quite a while ago, Mehow… in a Mystery Method boot camp.

I think that you may have confused the underlying structure of a courtship for routines that have been passed around the community. I don’t mean to phrase this as an attack, but that’s a mistake I hear from students who take a 1-on-1 or a phone consultation from us.

It’s not the routines and lines that saw The Mystery Method written up in Elle, the New York Times, Marie Claire, and the LA Times. The routines are training wheels. What any successful Mystery Method student understands– and I would think as a self-professed guru you would understand this– is that one of the most powerful lessons men can learn from The Mystery Method is, in fact, the structure and the impetus to forge an attractive identity.

Also why do you post videos of you demonstrating game that is not what your potential students will be learning? I suspect that disparity would lead to confusion on the part of students in the best case scenario, and indignation in the worst.

If your structure varies so much from The Mystery Method structure, why not show off your new structure? I mean, as it stands, you’re just taking up a weird defensive posture that asks a very obvious question with what seems a shifty answer.

Look at it this way: we reveal The Mystery Method structure on our website openly. It’s been around for years and years. And we are currently the leading commercial pick-up company. As an elder company to a younger one, trust those who have walked the road before you: revealing that structure can only help you, not hurt.

Even the subtleties I sometimes debate with more inner-game focused commercial PUA companies are not present. You are still running attraction routines, rather than assuming attraction. You disqualify, then qualify. I apologize if I’m being obtuse, Mehow. Again, unveiling a more nuanced look at your structure would be far more illuminating. As it is, I can’t help but feel the only differences between your product and The Mystery Method are in the routines (i.e. training wheels) our respective companies teach.

Instead of making sweeping claims and hiding under a cloak of corporate secrecy, help me… actually never mind me, help your potential customers understand the difference between your product and The Mystery Method, so they can take the Pepsi Challenge on their own terms.

Also why the term “community press corps”? I dislike maintaining the barrier between “the community” and everyone else. I don’t even know what the community press is, to be honest. If some guy wants to see what we’re made of, and he can’t make it to one of my boot camps, then grab a beer with him and show him I’m not a charlatan. It seems disingenuous to insinuate you are having actual press relations when the only reason you have been approached by media besides Current TV* is because you pay a PR firm. (For those who don’t know, this is who you are referred to in the link on Mehow’s site regarding “media relations.”) It’s not that I have a problem with using a PR firm. I think it’s a great idea. It’s just that waving your arms frantically and screaming on the ground doesn’t mean you’re flying.

You pay people to talk to you and say nice things later; that’s hardly a crime, but it’s also not a good pretext to what is finally a rather personal and emotionally sensitive teaching process.  You even mention interweaving grounding routines on your website, when it was on this very site that Mystery first wrote up his piece on grounding routines. I couldn’t find it on Thundercat’s site, but we included it in the VAH.

Regrettably, I’m in Las Vegas with Future, Tenmagnet, and Neo, so I don’t have access to my home computer. When I get home, I’ll post a screenshot taken in the fall of 2006 where Mehow himself admits on fastseduction.com that he was able to seal the deal only once after his boot camp. While one’s first lay with The Mystery Method is always exhilarating, I think it’s presumption to start a seduction company after one woman shared her body with you.

Sadly, it has to be a screenshot since Mehow changed his year-in-review early last year, both on fastseduction.com and Mystery’s Lounge… shortly before he went commercial. Our moderators can easily produce proof of when he edited the post; it was shortly before mehow.tv went online. I don’t know how extensive Formhandle’s logs and archives are, so I won’t speak for his ability to do the same.

If you want to steal our system, Mehow, that’s fine. Your success is our success. It would be stupid for me to criticize your flash game. (Although I suspect Future could teach you a thing or fifty about comfort) But it’s a chickenshit move to become an excellent student, then a Mystery Method instructor, then run off claiming you’ve discovered some new mastery theory of pick-up.

All this community has is ideas. We can’t truly patent any of them. But the ideas you ripped off were Mystery Method ideas, and all you’ve done is rebranded them and sold them under a counterfeit brand. Very fucking manly.

* – I think it’s a mistake to count the Current TV piece as yours since they were interviewing you as an instructor with The Mystery Method, not as a solo act or a separate brand.)

OWCH!

Sinn really laid into Mehow there.  It’s almost funny, since the same argument was made against RSD when they first started.  History truly does repeat itself, I guess.

But I’m willing to give Mehow the benefit of the doubt.  It’s not uncommon for pick up artists to go off with what they’ve learned and develop something new.  After all, that’s what artists who paint with brushes do too.  They study the greats, and come up with a new style.

The only problem is, we really haven’t seen anything OTHER than Mystery Method from Mehow just yet.  So other than being a qualified MM instructor, what does he have to offer that you couldn’t get from someone like Sinn – who is an EXCELLENT pick up artist and teaches true MM with no appologies?

In a way, I’m almost tempted to name this conflict the “Mystery Method Civil War,” since it seems that you have two different camps, teaching the same things, feuding with each other.

Will Mehow eventually morph into another RSD?  Or will he prove everyone wrong and actually bring something new to the table?

I don’t know about you, but I’m interested to find out!

My First Threesome: A Cautionary Tale

by
Jekyll

Ironic, really. I’d just spent the morning monkeying around Edinburgh, and I’d bought a book on philosophy and a new copy of Neil Strauss’s The Game, having given my original away as a present to a clueless chum. It was still early afternoon, so I dropped in to a pub I used to work at on Edinburgh’s Royal Mile. I bumped into a friend of mine, Richard, who is a natural player of real talent and panache, and we sat outside at a table, smoking cigarettes, drinking beer and shooting the shit.

A couple, Daniel and Sarah (friends of Richard), sat with us, and after a while the topic turned to the books I was reading. The book on philosophy drew the predictable derisive accusations of pretention, which in all fairness I agree with. Most books on modern philosophy are only useful if you’re fresh out of toilet paper, so we all had a chuckle about that.

Then Richard started ripping on me for reading The Game. He’d never read it (and in all fairness he doesn’t need to), and in classic alpha style he starts trying to belittle me in an amusing and charming way over these “tricks” and “techniques” that I’m allegedly into. I don’t even remotely rise to it, I just talk about Strauss, Mystery, and the story of the book. I also talked, lightly but genuinely about how it changed my life, which it did. I spoke briefly about the kind of guy I was a year ago when I’d walked away from a relationship I really cared about with an awesome girl. I explained that it was because I knew that the attraction, the electricity – whatever name you want to stick to that spark of magic that had drawn us together in the first place – had gone and I had no idea how to bring it back. All I could do was jump, before I was pushed. Sometimes I still miss her, but I didn’t tell them that. I never tell anyone that.

I mentioned in passing about how I’d sworn to myself that I’d never walk away from someone I loved again, but I had no idea how to beat the insecurities with women that had dogged me my whole life. Then I read The Game.

Richard’s comments on routines also didn’t bother me because I personally find the free-form, genuine and sexually expressive ideas of Juggler and Gunwitch to be far more in tune with my personality. All this time, I’m just being open. I’m just being genuine. I don’t give a fuck what they think. Nonetheless, I decide to have a chuckle and start telling them about Style’s Dual Induction Massage routine. At this point, Daniel perks up. Even Richard looks interested, and a flash of playerish respect whispers across his chiseled face for Strauss’s manipulative genius.

Sarah starts to get stroppy, not at me – she’s smiling at me – but at her boyfriend who’s getting altogether too excited at the possibility of engineering a threesome with two random girls.

All this time, the beautiful sound of girlish laughter is rising from the table next to me. Whoever they are they’re having fun. I don’t look around. There’s no need to. Not yet.

Sarah stands to leave, and she squeezes my hand slightly as she shakes it. I nod imperceptibly, and then give Daniel a megawatt smile and a handshake. He returns my grip, oblivious. They leave.

Richard’s also heading off, and I’m not going to stop him. I have work to do.

So there I am. Sitting in the smoking area. Socially proofed by three friends, but now alone with my book. The book makes me look normal. Intellectual even, if you believe women read that far into things. But then of course, I’m not reading. I’m listening.

Every now and then, an opener is handed to you on a plate. It’s so easy. It’s not just an opening line, but also a chance to demonstrate some real personality, humour and worth. There are four hot American girls. One of them is talking about Blackadder.

“No,” One of them says, “It’s the funniest show ever!”
I turn around.
“Are you talking about Blackadder?” I ask.
“Yeah.” The girl says. She’s pretty. Grungy, a bit of a rock chick. Looks like Lori Petty from Tank Girl.
“I fucking love Blackadder. How the hell do you know about it? You’re American.” Please God, I think – let her not be Canadian…
“My mom watches it – she’s got all the scripts and everything.” Thank fuck.
“Fucking cool.” I turn to the group, to the chick who Tank Girl was originally talking to. “Blackadder,” I continue, “is a comedy series from the 90’s – it’s written by Richard Curtis, the guy who wrote Four Weddings and a Funeral.”
“Oh,” She says. She had no idea.
“Yeah. It’s brilliant, but the first series was a bit crap. Blackadder’s character was a bit of a clown, but he turns into the most acerbic, sarcastic bastard in the second series. He’s brilliant.” Tank Girl perks up.
“That’s exactly what I was going to say!” She says, brightly.

Houston, we have lift off. We’re talking about Blackadder, swapping impressions and jokes, going into general comedy chat. It’s all pure gold. We go inside. We drink. We talk about porn. We go outside for more cigarettes. I give the girls alone time for a chat every now and then when I’m getting indicators of interest from one of more of them so they can all have a girly giggle about how hot I am.

After a while two of the girls leave. I pull them both in for a hug, and they love it. They go, after telling me that they’ll be in X bar tonight and I should really be there. I’m left with Tank Girl, and a pretty blonde chick who I discover is half Italian, half Native American Indian. Nice. I shall hereafter refer to her as Pocahontas.

So were chatting, and one of them makes a wisecrack about something. We all laugh.

“Aw shit, you girls are lovely. I’m really glad I randomly started talking to you.” I say.

This is good shit. In a one-on-one with a chick, or in a group when you get them laughing, when you sense that they’re happy you can roll this shit out. Technically (in Style-speak) it’s a way to force, and to make explicit, a hook point. It’s like using crampons to climb a mountain. It doesn’t really matter how they respond either. They don’t have to come back with a compliment – although they will if you’ve gauged it right – as long as you’re not phased by them not telling you you’re cool in return, they’ll feel guilty when you just keep on talking. They’ll feel guilty because you show that you weren’t trying to play them, you were just being genuinely nice. They’ll definitely tell you you’re cool the next time you tell them you’re glad you spoke to them. If you gauge it right, that is. Just make sure you mean it. It makes all the difference.

They look very slightly taken aback, but then Tank Girl picks up the ball and runs with it.
“You too,” she replies “absolutely. You seem like a really cool guy. The only guys we’ve met here have been really sleazy or weird. You’re just really cool. Isn’t he cool?”
“Sure, he’s great” says Pocahontas.

You can just say thanks to a compliment, or you can be cocky. But the best thing I’ve ever found is to really, genuinely take compliments to heart. It feels good, for one thing. It helps your self-esteem. It shows you’re not invulnerable for another thing- it shows you’re human without being a big pussy. It creates a real and powerful emotional connection with people. Finally, if someone senses that they’ve given a compliment and someone is really impressed with it, they usually elaborate on it. This is brilliant. The following I said in a level-headed, non-gushy but totally genuine way. Because it was genuine. I meant it all.

“That’s really, really nice of you to say. Thanks. That means a lot to me. You have no idea.”
“No, I mean it. You’re fantastic,” says Tank Girl. “You’re funny, you’re cool, you’re great fun.” She’s beaming at me.
“Yeah, really” says Pocahontas. She smiles at me, and drops her eyelids ever so slightly.
“Shit girls, that’s lovely. You’re both so fucking sweet. I could eat you both up. Come here.” We have a three way hug. I kiss them both on the cheeks.

Every now and then, Tank Girl has been dropping little clues about her being a lesbian. I don’t rise to it. She mentions this girl she kissed, and I act like she’s talking about the weather. Eventually she comes out with it – in fact, she comes out. We’ve been talking for about 3 hours now from the Blackadder approach. She apologises about not telling me earlier (?) but explains she didn’t want to freak me out (?), offend my sense of morality (?) or scare me off (?) because she was enjoying my company and she wasn’t sure how I’d react.

Just a word to the Yanks reading this. What the fuck? Are you mad? Why is this hot lesbian chick afraid to tell guys she likes pussy? Why does she think I’ll get moralistic on her ass? Do you do that? What the fuck? Why does she think I’ll get scared? Are you scared of hot lesbians? What the fuck? What are you saying to your hot lesbians? What the fuck is wrong with you people?

Anyway. I clearly don’t give a fuck and I tell her as much. In fact, I tell her that I wouldn’t know where to begin to give a fuck if you gave me a roadmap to give-a-fuck City Central and a really compelling reason to go. She then tells me that she has a girlfriend. I get the sense that this is bait, so I don’t let my disappointment show in my face. What can I tell you – I want this chick. I love Tank Girl. Lori Petty is hot. But the bait is out, and I feel like a bug under a microscope – like I’m being subtly examined by both chicks for any sense of neediness. I show none. Poker-face-tastic. After a few minutes more of banter she lets slip that her girlfriend doesn’t mind her playing with other people when she’s on vacation as long as they tell each other. Once more my poker face comes into play, and I just about restrain myself from punching the air and doing an Irish jig. Pocahontas says that she’s single, and she hasn’t got laid in ages. Once more, I stop myself, and don’t do a cartwheel.

“So, you’re a lesbian, eh?” I ask. “How’s that working out for you?” Love that question. It’s from Tyler Durden in Fight Club.
“Love it.” She replies.
“Have you ever been with a guy?”
“Yeah, but not since I came out. How about you?”
“I snogged my best friend once in a game of Truth or Dare,” I answer truthfully.
“Did you like it?” She asked.
“No,” I said. “No, it was fucking nasty.” A shudder ran through my body at the memory. I’m shuddering as I type this. Ick.
“I bet you liked it a little,” Tank Girl says.
“I really, really didn’t. I think it’s different for guys, and I don’t think a lot of women get that, especially gay women. No offence, but it really is different.”
“What do you mean?” Asks Tank Girl.
“Well shit. I was talking to a friend of mine, this girl called Susan – she was the one I was playing the same Truth or Dare game with, incidentally. She snogged her friend, this chick called Clare, and she said that for girls, even straight girls, it’s not really a big deal. It’s more like an extension of your friendship.”
“Yeah, yeah I can see that.” Pocahontas said.
“How about you,” I asked Pocahontas, “have you ever kissed a girl?”

Stay frosty. Thread the needle.

“No, never.”
“Wow.” I said.
“Really?” Said Tank Girl.
“Well, shit,” I say. “We’re all on holiday. I’m sorry – ‘vacation’. You two should kiss.”
Tank Girl looks at Pocahontas like a wolf contemplating a newborn lamb.
“Sure, c’mere.” She says, and a chick-on-chick tonguedown commences.

Nice.

So once they come up for air, Tank Girl leans back in her chair. She looks at me. I look at her.
“So how was she?” I ask Pocahontas.
“Good. Very good.” Pocahontas replies.
“Hmm. If I were to kiss you,” I say to Tank Girl, “How would I rate you on a 1-10 scale?” Thanks for that, Wayne. All I want for Christmas is you.
“You can kiss me if you want.” Tank Girl says.
“Cool.” I say. It is cool. We kiss. When we break away, I lean back in my chair. I look at Pocahontas. I raise my eyebrows. She nods, smiling. I lean over. I kiss Pocahontas. We come up for air.
“I’ve never had a three way kiss,” says Pocahontas.
“Well come on then,” I say.
We all share a three way tonguelashing. I love my life.

Just to clarify, this is me and two hot American chicks I’ve only just met. We’re in broad daylight in the smoking area of a pub on Edinburgh’s Royal Mile, one of the busiest streets in the city. It’s very picturesque. Do check it out sometime. There’s a castle and everything.

After some more playful banter, Tank Girl gets up to use the toilet, and I’m left there with Pocahontas. A quick word on being tactile with the ladies. There’s no such things as good touching or bad touching in my eyes. All non-sleazy physical contact is good, as long as the woman accepts it. The way I like to break down the initial barriers with chicks physically is a little like the way you use italics in a sentence for emphasis. This is a bit random, but it’s the cheapest, most inoffensive kinesthetic contact this side of a backrub. Use touch to emphasise your words, in exactly the same way that you use italics in a sentence. Hold the touch for the duration of the emphasis – the italics – then take your hand back. Hold their eyes the whole time.

To be honest, I don’t even think about it now, it’s just part of how I relate to people, and especially women. It makes them like you. It’s weird. The thing is, though, it comes in completely under radar – women just think you’re a touchy feely kind of guy, and that it’s normal for you so to be. This is obviously cool. But their accepting your tactile nature as totally normal is a double edged sword. For many guys, getting touchy with a chick is a sign you’re coming on to them, and so it acts like a statement of interest. I can get incredibly tactile with a woman, and she still won’t really know if I like her sexually, which can be a bit of a fucker, especially if I assume I’m being so obvious it’s silly, and she’s still blissfully living in blonde-world.

This was exactly what happened here.

“You’re very tactile” said Pocahontas.
“Really?” I ask, innocently.
“Yeah, it’s fine, it’s just that when a guy touches me as much as you do it usually means that they’re hitting on me.”
“Oh.” I say. There is a pause. I try not to giggle.
“I…” She splutters “I mean… are you? Are you hitting on me?”

There are a number of different ways in which you can answer that question in a bad way, and there are a number of different ways you can answer it in a good way. Sure, you could go cocky, and turn it round on her. Sure, you could segue into a feelings/values/emotional connection spiel. Or if you were so wont, you could play hard to get.

Or you could swing for that pitch so hard you damn near smash the bat, and put that ball into fucking orbit. After a careful process of selection lasting all of no seconds, I decided to opt for the latter option.

“I’m sorry, what?” I ask.
“Are you hitting on me?” She asks again. I look at her, incredulous.
“You’re asking me if I think you’re hot?” Little bit of a reframe. Hope you see why.
“Yes.”
“Are you from Mars? Have I not made that sufficiently clear with the kissing? Ok – look. I’ll answer your question. Yes, I think you’re HOT. You’re so hot, I could fry BACON on your ASS. I would do things to you that decorum prohibits their mention here. I’ll HAMMER you into the MATTRESS until you don’t know who you ARE. I’ll pound you in ways God has yet to invent. I would love to do that. Hell yes. Hell. Yes. Oh, c’mere you little monkey.” I kiss her again. Lots of tongues involved. “Does that answer your question?”
“Yeah.” She’s all hot and bothered. “So you’d take me home?”
“YES I would. Yes. Oh yes. Ah, you’re so sweet. Look at you.”

I don’t close her. I could have taken her away right there, but no. She’s locked in now, provided I don’t do anything stupid. It’s time to play in the high stakes round. A quick word about what I just did. If you get asked by a girl if you fancy her, or if you’d fuck her, or if you’d like to whatever, don’t treat it like a weird test. Treat it like an open goal-mouth in the World Cup final. Hammer your shit home. Really go for it. Wax lyrical. Get visual. Hit that ball back fifty times as hard as you got it. It turns women on. A lot.

Tank Girl comes back from the bathroom.

“Hey baby.” I say.
“Hiya.” She smiles.
“We’ve got a confession.” I say.
“Yeah?” Asks Tank Girl.
“Yeah, we kissed when you were gone. Sorry.” Tank Girl goes to say something like ‘don’t worry about it,’ but I cut her off. “We don’t want you to feel left out so we have to both kiss you.” I lean forward and tongue her. I pull back. I’m sitting in between them. “Now you two kiss.”

They lean together and have a passionate, full on snog. It’s fucking sexy. I could smash bricks with the rock hard lump in my pants. I refrain from so doing. Then I get an idea. It’s a good one.

As they’re in the middle of the kiss, I say, quietly “This may be a little inappropriate, but…” Then I get Tank Girl’s hand and place it on Pocahontas’s boob. She starts feeling her up in an expert lesbian way. I place Pocahontas’s hand on Tank Girl’s boob. She starts feeling her up in a bi-curious experimental way. This is turning into a masterpiece. I feel like Da Vinci.

Ok – here’s the thing. If you’re trying to get something like this off the ground, you need to either be secure in yourself, or be really good at shutting the fuck up when you need to. Girls can sense if you are jealous. If I’d have interrupted that kiss, or tried to join in, I’d have ended up going home either alone or with just one of them. Probably with Pocahontas. You need to let them seduce each other, and the weird thing is that even though they were both girls, my jealousy alarms were blaring like crazy in my head. You could actually feel the sexual chemistry between these two chicks like a physical heat. It was kind of scary – for a second I thought they’d just fuck off and leave me there alone, but I held my nerve. I kept my cool through an enormous effort of will in the face of an incredibly intoxicating combination of jealousy and arousal. Eventually they broke the kiss. For a few seconds, no one spoke.

“That was hot.” I said.
“Yeah.” Said Tank Girl.
“Mmmmffnnm.” Said Pocahontas.

Now, I’m sure that we represented a bit of a spectacle. As I mentioned, this is outside in a busy street. That said, no-one had given us any shit up until this point. All of a sudden, the nastiest, skankiest junkie-smackhead of a sleazy rotting-toothed tramp-in-his-best-suit starts trying to bust in on the conversation. Every time I speak he laughs loudly, just behind me in my ear, as if to get my attention. He sidles up behind Tank Girl. I shift slightly closer and put an arm around her shoulder.

This guy might as well have been sent from heaven. He was in such appalling physical shape that there was no way in a blue moon he could ever, even with a knife, represent a physical threat to me. He was obviously drunk, and probably junked up, and skanky as fuck, but he gave me the perfect opportunity to play Lancelot and demonstrate some fucking manliness.

He asked me for a lighter, and then tried to slur some crap at the girls. In all fairness he was trying to disarm the obstacle first, so we’ll have to give him some credit for that. Nonetheless, I figured the direct approach would be best.

“Excuse me mate,” I said, in a friendly tone with a hint of steel behind it, “I’m having a private chat with my friends. Do you mind?”

He muttered something incoherent and slunk away. The chicks glowed at me.

“Let’s get out of here. There’s a really nice pub not far from here called the Brass Monkey. It’s got a Cinema and cushions and hopefully a lot less weirdos than here.” I say. We get up and leave.

“I’m really cold.” Pocahontas says. I put an arm around her shoulder as we walk toward the Brass Monkey. “Do you mind if I swing by our hostel and pick up a sweater?”
“No, that’s fine,” says Tank Girl with a nonchalant air that I took as a mark of a genuine player. I just shrugged. Nonchalance city.

I flag down a taxi, and we jump in. Tank Girl’s in the middle. She’s hot. I’ve got my hand on her leg. She doesn’t move it.

We get out of the taxi, and split the fare. We’re walking down to where their room is, and I’m experiencing this strange feeling of serenity, the kind of serenity I think you can only ever truly experience if you’re a tightrope walker, or a bomb-disposal expert. The feeling that everything is fine, everything is going well, you’re about to do something really awesome, but the slightest jar could fuck things up and cost you the use of your legs.

Stay frosty. Thread the needle.

As we enter the hostel, we bump into a group of about 15 people, all of these girl’s friends from the hostel. I’m talking Spanish guys. Spanish guys are like Europe’s most shameless and horny men, and they instantly burst into a babble of Hispanic questions, hooks and general shit to get the girls talking.

“You have to come out, we’ll be at the Three Sisters later,” says one random guy.
“Excellent,” I reply, warmly but with that same hint of steel I’d noticed before with the tramp. “I know it. We’ll see you there in a few minutes.”
“Good, good. See you there, man.”
“Cool.” I say, and we walk inside.

We get into the lift. This whole journey had been a big state break, especially all the fucking foreigners outside. That little bubble of comfort we’d been in at the bar and in the taxi had evaporated, but there was still a palpable air of sexual tension. I’m not worried. The game’s still afoot.

We get into Tank Girl’s room. Pocahontas goes to hers to get her jumper. Tank Girl starts playing shit on her Ipod. I consider how to make a move, how to escalate. I have to lead this. These girls are going to let this all slide by if I don’t act. A cheesy line won’t do it. I need to get this chick thinking sexually and fast. She walks over to the sink in her room to put some product in her hair. I grab her, and push her up against the door. I kiss her hard. She loves it. She smiles.

“I’ll get Pocahontas.” I say.
“Cool.” She replies. It is cool.

Rinse and repeat, motherfucker. I go to Pocahontas’s room, and she gets a forced tonguedown as well. I put in some extra work on this one. She’s the weakest link in the chain, and she needs to be tempered in the fire of my lust for this to work.

“Come on,” I say, leading her by the hand, “let’s go see Tank Girl.”
“Uh-huh. Cool.” She replies. It is cool.

They get in to the room. We’re all together, and all alone. The girls start making small talk.

Then Tank Girl says…

“Did he kiss you too?”

Then Pocahontas says

“Yes, the dirty bastard.”

Then I say

“Yeah, and I’m not sorry. Let’s have another three way kiss.”

Then I guide them together. Then Tank Girl kisses Pocahontas with a kind of masculine passion and intensity that I’ve never seen a woman display before. It’s really intense. Pocahontas is pushed back with the force of it, and I catch her, kissing the side of her neck from behind. My hands wander all over her body, criss crossing with Tank Girl’s.

Then I go to undo Pocahontas’s bra, only to find it already undone.

Fair fucking play. Tank Girl’s good.

I’m not one to kiss and tell, so I won’t go too much into the specifics of what happened, except to say two things.

First off, the vibe of the threesome was in many ways like the vibe of the pickup. This was not me fucking two girls who wanted to be my sexual playthings. This was me and Tank Girl double teaming Pocahontas. I’ve never had a threesome with two guys – this is the only time I’ve done it with two girls (thus far), but the vibe was as if there was another man present. It was just that the other guy in the encounter looked exactly like Lori Petty from the film Tank Girl. This is important, perhaps the most important thing I learned from the whole encounter. If you’ve got two submissive girls and you want to fuck them both at once, their jealousy of each other is a minefield. If you’re teaming up with a hot butch lesbian to pick up a chick, it’s like a) you have a wing throughout the whole pickup, b) it’s not all about you, and c) you get to see two girls naked at the same time. I winged Tank Girl, and she winged me. I wasn’t possessive about her and Pocahontas, I let her have her fun. I made her feel hot. I laughed at her jokes. I engineered their first kiss. It wasn’t easy though – at times, like when they touched each other’s tits on the steps, and at other points a thousand times more X-rated, I had to fight down this instinctual feeling of jealousy that, mixed with arousal, threatened to paralyze me. It was like being a rabbit in headlights. It was really that intense.

So yeah, the first thing to say is this – help the dominant one pick up the submissive one and keep yourself in the loop, in control and leading the situation. Wing the dominant chick. She’ll wing you.

And the second thing?

They could both deep throat.

Yeah you heard me, motherfucker. Both of them.

Heh heh heh.

Dual Induction Massage my hairy white ass.

Peace out.

Jekyll

“A woman told me she was probably going to be too tired the night I asked her out… but she told me this two days ahead of time.” -Kevin, 41, Dallas, TX

“A girl I liked said she wouldn’t date people born the same month she was.” -Greg, 22, Wilmington, DE

“She told me she had to go buy the donuts for her Singles with STDs group. Point taken.” -Greg, 32, San Diego, CA

Read more of them here.

Sean Penn says:
“I tell them that whatever they do to my daughter that night, they better be prepared to come home and do it to me too.”

Wow, and they give Michael Jackson a hard time.