How To Meet Women

A Question From A Student:

Dear Joe,

My problem is simple - how do I relax? See, I go out to the pubs and clubs, but when it comes time to get up and dance or ask any of the women to dance, or even to sit down with them, I feel like a retard and don’t go through with what I planed to do or say!

Please Help!!!!!!!

From Matthew
Bundaberg, Queensland , Australia

Hi Matthew,

You actually are not alone in this phenomenon.  Lots of guys tend to get “uptight” when around women they are attracted to.

Why is this?

Quite simple, really - you are putting PRESSURE on yourself to succeed!  That’s what’s causing you to be so “uptight,” as you say.

Now, the good news about this is - you can manage it!  Since you’re the one putting pressure on yourself, YOU are also the one who can relieve that pressure!

See, when you go out with the SPECIFIC goal of “hooking up” or “picking up a girl,” you are placing yourself in a pressure cooker.

Every girl you meet is a potential “conquest.”  So you are always hyper-aware of what you say, what you do, how you look, and most of all…

HOW YOU CAN SCREW UP!

And it’s that fear of screwing up that is causing all your problems, my friend.

Fortuneately, there is a very simple (yet sometimes difficult to implement) solution to all this.

You must CHANGE YOUR FOCUS from “hooking up” to “having fun.”

Fun is the key to any seduction.

Do stuff you enjoy.  Don’t worry about what others think, or if you’re going to be going home with a girl that night.  Just act in a way you find comfortable, speak your mind, and have a good time!

Women find a fun guy incredibly sexy.  Sex is a by-product of a woman having fun.  So focus on fun, and the women will come.

THAT, my friend, is how you relax.

A student from Germany sent in this question…

Hi! I think biggest fear what men have (including me) is doing cold approach (bars,clubs,coffee shops). Is there some “trick” or something that you can get over that fear of approaching women?

I have noticed now that when your inner game is fixed and you can be ok with yourself, people stare at you, like you are a celebrity or famous rockstar. I get these things where-ever I go….I think you have sexual power, confidence, high self-esteem, and high status etc. And you’re not needy. Keep up good work!

I’m right there with you.

It’s funny, because one of the questions I get asked all the time is: “When does the fear of approaching go away?”

And my answer is always - NEVER.

I’ve done thousands of approaches (my estimation, I have no physical statistics to back that up), and I get scared every single time I do them. Even big time Pick Up Artists I know still get nervous or whatever before they approach someone. Why is this? Because it’s hard to do! Cold approaches are about finding a way to invade someone’s reality and stay there, and it can be a daunting task - ESPECIALLY if there’s a desired outcome at stake.

But yes, my friend. There IS a “trick” to it.

Actually, there are several tricks. One trick is what I like to call the “Warm Up.” It’s a way to get you “socially lubricated” so it becomes easy to approach, and the way I do it completely by-passes any approach anxiety.

Another trick is called “repitition.” (original, I know) That’s basically where you do enough approaches that you find your “groove,” so it stops being scary. This only comes with experience (but if you do my bootcamp, it makes it very easy).

Another way is what I like to call “Crash & Burn,” where you purposefully do a few bad sets with the INTENTION of crashing and burning, just to get it out of your system, so you can then focus on succeeding. (That’s not what I would recommend to guys just starting out or who have self-esteem issues, but it’s a trick I’ve used before.)

But bar none, the best “Trick” I can think of os knowledge and preparation. If you know what to do, and you’re prepared to do it, you can pretty much do anything - no matter how scary it is. You just have to have the WILL to do it and the DESIRE to succeed. I describe my journey with the same fears and insecurities in The Art Of Approaching, and I created that course to help teach guys how to overcome these fears and never get rejected.

Here’s another question from a student here in California about his crippling shyness:

I’m painfully shy when I’m in social situations, so shy that sometimes people think I’m mad.  I have noticed that people even avoid talking to me because I make them feel uncomfortable around me, both guys and girls. I’m also too quiet that’s why nobody want to hang out with me. I’m too boring I guess.  Please Help!

Okay, so you know you’re shy, and you want to overcome your shyness, right?

WRONG!

Here’s the thing my friend:  You’re not really shy.  I don’t believe there is such a thing as “Shyness.”  That’s just a word we made up to hide the REAL problem, which is this:

You have trained yourself the WRONG WAY to interact with people.

It’s really as simple as that.  You never learned what it takes to meet and hang out with strangers.  You trained yourself to sit quietly, closed off from the world.  And what’s more, I bet your body language shows that.  I’m willing to bet you’re the type of guy who stands there with his arms crossed, and unconscious frown on his face because he wants to be a part of the party, but doesn’t know how.  That, combined with your isolationist tendencies, makes people think you’re mad, and avoid you.

But the REAL reason people avoid you is because when you do this, you give off NEGATIVE energy.  People want to be around positive things - like laughter, smiles, kisses, hugs, jokes, music, etc.

Not some dude with a frown on his face, standing around with his arms crossed, not talking to anyone.

Ever hear the old saying, you catch more flied with honey than you do with vinegar?  It’s TRUE!

So what’s the solution?  Well, it might not be an answer you want to hear.  You have to RE-TRAIN yourself about how you interact with other people.  That is the ONLY way I know of to change your current situation.

And you can re-train yourself in a number of ways.  But here’s the thing - I used to be JUST LIKE YOU!  I’d be the guy people would think was mad, or upset, or whatever, because I never talked to anyone.  And you know what?  IT SUCKED!  That’s why I started re-training myself.

In my book, The Art Of Approaching, I give you a complete blueprint you can use to actually go out and change how you interact with others.  It’s not hard, and it’s not scary.  You just have to be willing to do it.