Do Women Like To “Use” Men?

A guy named Spyro sent me a very interesting letter about women who string guys along.

Hey Joseph,

I just read your last email, and its pretty clear that most people have the wrong beliefs.

Fact is that I’ve thought about it hard and long and I’ve realised that it is beliefs that are getting in my way.  Beliefs that make me doubt myself constantly and prevent me from action, even at times when I’ve had a woman at the point where I should be going to the next step, that I have kept saying to myself “I need to gain more value” then I’d try too hard and no need to explain what happens when guys do that.

I think that belief has been instilled through media and through some
girls that I’ve been around in my high school years, where basically they say that you have to prove yourself to be THE BEST man in the universe for you to even have a chance for them… pretty shitty thing to have psychologically beaten into me, and I see it every day.

The other one that spawns from that one, in a way, is that women like to have a fan club.  They come across a guy they think will improve her social status, then lure him in with false promises, and he becomes whipped (this nearly happened to me around the end of last year). The one thing that bothered me about this is when I realised what was happening I stopped contacting her completely, no explaination, nothing… I haven’t heard from her since… I believe I built up a degree of value with her.  Maybe I lost all of it at one point or, maybe she has enough of these fan club guys that she doesn’t miss one.

Honestly, this does cause some bitterness, because she is extremely good looking, and I know that she is a good person, she just doesn’t have a clue when it comes to her love life.  Its like she meets a guy starts being attracted to him, but when she makes him apart of her fan club… that squashes all the attraction!

Lastly, In all my life I’ve only had mild sucess with women, never had a normal conversation lead to sex. I’d always screw up at some point and ended up frustrated. So now whenever I see that hottie that makes me swallow hard, I quickly find myself thinking, “not worth it, all that effort only to end up frustrated.” Then I don’t approach, and every other guy that does approach walks away with nothing, which just reinforces my belief :/

I’m sitting here by your website fighting with myself whether or not to buy your book, because I know that even if your book came in pill form, it would pretty much be useless unless I had the right beliefs in place.

But anyway, the biggest things that I need to sort out are 1) the right beliefs and 2) how to stay that “other guy”, the one that refuses to join her fan club, and that she HAS to chase.

Any thoughts and opinions would be much appreciated!

Spyro

Hi there Spyro,

First off, I want to tell you that you are right – beliefs are the most important thing in the WORLD where it comes to success with women.

If you have bad beliefs, having success with girls can be VERY hard and frustrating.

That’s why I devote most of my Art Of Approaching course to teaching guys how to develop the proper beliefs, and change their old, ineffective, and sabotaging belief systems.

Like the old saying goes…

“Whether you believe you can, or you can’t, you’re right!”

From what you’ve written, it sounds like you put yourself into the same trap most guys place themselves in:

YOU PUT TOO MUCH IMPORTANCE ON EVERY FEMALE INTERACTION!

No, no, no, no…

Until a girl commits herself and gives you signals she’s interested in you, you shouldn’t place too much importance on any one interaction.

And even then, remember:  your goal is to have fun.  it’s not to get laid, or get a make-out, or whatever.  You need to have a good time!  And good times with women usually leads to the other things.

Don’t worry about messing up, or putting pressure on yourself to perform.  Just focus on having a good time, and when you see the indicators of interest from the girl, take the appropriate action.

(Also, keep an eye out for Renegade Rapport.  It sounds like you could use it!)

Now let me touch on your observation that girls try to qualify you to be the “best man” or collect you as part of their “fan club.”

You are looking at this all wrong.

It’s not that the girl is trying to collect you, or see if you’re good enough for them.

Understand:  This is a form of TESTING.

That’s right my friend, what the girls are actually doing is TESTING you to see if you will qualify to them.

See, when a girl tries to qualify you, to “see” if you are “worthy” of them, or if you will play their “game” like every other guy out there, they are putting you in a position to JUDGE you.

And that, my friend, is a TERRIBLE place to be.

Girls who do this are looking for a guy who can turn this around on them.  When a guy palys by the girl’s rules, they lose respect for him, and instantly he becomes “friend” material instead of “sexy boyfriend” material.

The only way you can escape this trap is to turn things around on the woman, and start qualifying HER.

Make it so YOU are judging HER.  SHE has to live up to YOUR standards.

You do this by CHALLENGING her, and refusing to fall into her frame of mind (the one where she is the prize, and you must be worthy of her.)

You mentioned that a girl tried to “collect you” for social stature.  Well, what if you called her up and said something like “Hey, I need a date for this fancy dinner party I’m going to.  If I agree to take you, will you promise not to embarass me?”

(Okay, bad example, but you see what I’m getting at right?  The implication is that you LOWER your social status by hanging with her, so she has to live up to a standard YOu set.)

See, with this girl, she has so many guys playing her game, when you stopped calling, you were immediately replaceable.

This is what Chris Rock refers to as a “dick in the jar.”  You know, break in case of emergency?

She’s coming from an abundance frame of mind.  If one guy leaves, she’s got plenty of dicks in a jar handy.

You can’t play chicken in that situation.  Withdrawing from the interaction doesn’t make a statement.  She won’t miss you.  You’re a dime a dozen.

That is why challenging her is so important.

Because that makes you STAND OUT from all the other guys out there.  It makes you DIFFERENT.  It makes you INTRIGUING.

It helps create sexual tension.

It gets the girl interested.

And THAT’S when you jump out of her “fan club” and get her to chase you.

I’d recommend you check out Swinggcat for more advice on qualifying and challenging.

Good luck!